why even bother?

i am so disgusted. my friend count is pretty much at zero. it has gotten to the point where nick is up at the top of most reliable friend. i am constantly blown off, no one calls me for plans, and if they say they'll call me, they dont. they hang out with other ppl and completely blow me off. i am tired of it. i am done calling people over and over only to be blown off. i deserve the respect and attention of my friends that i would give them. i hardly think that is too much to ask. i need to meet new people, screw the people that obviously dont give a shit, actions speak louder than words. i have had it with superficial friends.

at home...still.

brit was supposed to be free at 545 but i guess her dad made her run more errands or w/e. well i am home. and i probably will remain here for the rest of the night..fun fun. i do still want to go to newport creamery to pick up my check which isnt going to be that super this week because i only worked two days and one of them i went home early. tomorrow i am hanging out with meg. tomorrow night i am working. saturday i am going to lake compounce. sunday i have the day off. ill probably not do anything on sunday either. maybe i should pick up more hours so i will have something to do. i am glad that ali and i hung out last night. we talked and such. i am in a better mood today than i was yesterday. im just rather disgusted with life currently. at least chloe likes me.

love and memories

i remember when nicky came to school with me this one day to get his class picture taken, he went to maise e quinn but for some reason he came to my school to get a school photo, maybe he was sick the day of his pictures. my mom was an aide in the room and told me to make sure that i include him at lunchtime. so at lunch he sat with me, we had pizza and fruit punch that day for hot lunch. he drank the punch and got a red mustache. the principal came over and was like hey do i know you and nicky was like um yes?. lol. it was funny. i introduced him to my friends i was sitting with as my cousin nicky.
i remember when id go to his house and in his bedroom his mattress was on the floor. one day i asked him why his mattress was on the floor. he said that he was scared of monsters being under his bed, so "my mom" took the mattress of the frame so that no monsters could fit under his bed. he slept with one pillow, i remember commenting to my mom that i always like to sleep on two and couldnt understand how one did it for him.
he had this doll, it was from this popular tv show we used to watch. i cant remember the name but it was a dinosaur family and the baby was very fond of the mother. and everytime some one, say the father, would try to help him, like give him a bottle, hed say 'not the mama' and hit them. he had the baby, and it said 'not the mama' when you pulled the string.
when we were at his house and played in the back yard there was a little playhouse. it was one of the ones you could get at toys r us. and this one time we were in there playing and adam was scaring us, i think he might have had a friend over, i cant remember. and he was pretending to be a vampire and was scaring us.
at one of nicky's bday parties i remember looking in at the fishtank and afterward i was walking outside and there was this ball thing that was like elastic-y and it had pogs and mexican jumping/bouncing beans in it. mine was either purple or green.
i cant write much more tonight, i intend to finish it though. every last memory i have.

aftermath.

so i ended up going out with brit and pat.
i am emotionally drained.
i am completely done with all affiliations with scott. i mean he clearly has time to call ppl. so i wish he just wouldnt have made it seem like he wanted to talk to me. no big deal, when i started talking to him i prepared myself for the worst and i mean it isnt that bad, it isnt like i talked to him for a long time or nething.
i still havent heard from pete. i wish that i had heard from him. oh well. such is life.
ill get over it.

i like therapy.

i like my crazy doctor, she makes me feel better. so its past 7, i havent heard from brit, or scott, or pete. i bet they are all together playing the lets not call jenn game. i dont like that game :\. katelyn wants me to go sing karoake with her, but idk i really dont want to, my head hurts enough with the searing oppressive heat i dont want to listen to people singing really loudly off key and such. however i have nothing else to do. maybe ill just never leave my room again. i have air conditioning, it wouldnt be so bad. whatever.
i hope nick is doing okay. i really empathize with what he is going through.
i am going to lake compounce with my family on saturday, bonnie said that she wants to ride rides with me, but her boyfriend john wont so she wants to hang out with me. that is perfectly fine with me we havent spent time together in ages. although now i feel like i cant really talk to her. idk why. i dont feel like talking much to any one right now, my head is pounding, my vitamin water keeps me going.
i have tentative plans with meg for friday during the day, we are thinking breakfast and mall i guess as i have to work at 5 and she has some recital thing at 7. tomorrow, i am working 7-11. that should be a riot, so that means no going out tomorrow night. weds i have to call in and i kinda hope that i do have to work, i want more hours.
so i have decided that i am never calling chris again to see if hell call me i doubt it. lately i have always been the one to call him. i am so sick of always having to contact him, im not worth a phonecall. hes not alone with that tonight.
maybe ill go out with katelyn....who knows

finally.

i have therapy today.
thank god.
it has been far too long.
:]]]]

i cant take it any more

last night was patrick's party, it was interesting. joey and etc got drunk and such and then brit couldnt take me home. so pete was nice enough to be able to take me home, my parents found out and they ahve been screaming at me all day. my mom freaks out all the time and i just cant talk to her. she yells and gets defensive and never lets me finish my thought. i cant stand it and now she is like you are never home, you dont do anything. and now she might not let me go to the wake. she is like you are never at home, i hate it at home, that is why i dont hang around at home if possible. and apparently after i left the party matt decided to say not nice things about me, why cant everyone just move on? i am not having a good day and my father keeps trying to butt in with a schedule for my summer hw. not the time.

at brit's house.

so i am at brit's house, pat's party is at 6. yay. well i hope it is fun.we are trying to invite heterosexul non whores to talk to, all the other major demographics are taken care of. i talked to chris last night. the end. ill update more later possibly.

so today i got a text message from nick, his aunt died. i feel really bad, she was quite sickly and i am going to the wake on sunday. i do not do well with wakes so brit is coming with me. we are going to go to the flea market beforehand i think.
pat's party is tomorrow, hopefully that goes well and im not in a corner by myself looking at all the couples.
i have been having random quiet spells, i dont know why or what they are from, i hope they end soon though. i need to meet new people, pretty much most of my friends, and i losely use the term, are not so good to me. brit, pat, and i all hangout with eachother all the time. we are so popular.

delilah is a sadistic bitch.

so coffee with pat and brit was nice, it is pretty much our usual jaunt now. on the way home i decided to take the back road/more scenic route. i had 93.3 playing and the song my heart will go on came on, and i just started to cry. idk why, i was singing it and i just started to cry.
i do not know what is up with me lately, i have been feeling quiet. i havent been doing it on purpose, idk why i feel this way or when ill feel differently, i just feel quiet. i called pete and invited him along, i wish he would have called me back. oh well, it isnt like this is nething that i am not used to. i am ready to meet some one that is going to be nice to me...any time now. i have brit and pat is there by extension. i think im going to panera for lunch tomorrow, maybe if i go out more ill feel better? idk i hope so, such is life.

sheep go to heaven

last night was not a total wash i got ice cream at coldstone's with brit and pat, and pat saw some attractive boy that he knows, i forget the name, kyle or tyler maybe? oh well, he has a girl friend, but he was pretty none the less.
i talked to chris last night and we did the formality of how was your day what did you do type of thing and then i was like i found all of my old journal entries from late december, and he was like oh what were they about. dumb dumb dumb, maybe he was just hoping that they werent about him and that mess. and i was like well rereading them made me realize how some people really are, and how it felt to go out on a limb and put complete trust in some one even when the situation looked bad for them, but to make the decision that you trust a person to the point where you are going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and then find out later that they were the wrong person to go out on a limb for and that they lied to you. [i was talking about chris um duh] so he was like i know the feeling and sympathizing and such and we were talking about stuff like that, i never mentioned his name, it wasnt worth it. when he upset me, every time he upset me, i do full heartedly believe that he was genuinely sorry and genuinely upset that he hurt me in some way. i believe that he wanted to understand why and that he feels as though that he did fully get it. but the problem with chris is that he doesnt realize what he does while he is doing it or until it is directly pointed out to him. my conclusion: the road to hell was paved with good intentions. he needs to be more conscious of his actions and most of all their consequences. he and i also talked about friends, or lack there of. and at his party there were hardly anyone there. i remember enough of them to literally count, two of the kids our age were his cousins so i am not counting them. there were literally 13 kids there. only 13 of his friends went. dre and charlie came late and left early and barely talked to him, dre talked to me for most of the time and when he wasnt talking to me he was talking to charlie. charlie talked to me too. i was shocked. he thinks i need to get new friends, i have known this for quite some time. honestly i can count on brit, katelyn[as much as she can get to me, i know she is there for me no matter what], meg would be supportive now, and that is pretty much it. i mean i dont talk to meg much right now because she is busy with dance and such, but i mean i am fortunate i do have at least one person that i feel as though i can count on. that is certainly better than some. what is funny, the way i describe some people fits chris too and he gets all bent out of shape and tells me how i dont deserve to be treated like that. he is a good advise giver, pretty much the deal now with chris is that i know how he is, i know that i cant change him, i can only change myself which i mean i am not going to do for him or really ne1 else that isnt so good to me. i can accept what our relationship is, im not sure what label id give it because if i mention him as a friend he tells me that i am more than just a friend to him which i mean i kinda feel the same way but idk what in the hell to call it. i also finally said that i missed our old conversations and we sort of talked abotu how things were i was like do you remember of our first phone convos i read about it and how we were ont he phone from 1230-530 and he was like yea i do and he was like i am sorry. he was like there hasnt been alot going on with me and i really dont have much to say nemore to anyone. with the months of talking to him, i lived, i learned, i cried, but i dont think i would take any of it back. i learned so much about myself and other people, and there was a time when i was happy, happier than i had been in a long time.
i was supposed to hang out with brit today, but she hasnt called, i hope everything is okay, i am going to give her a call soon.
nikki wants to hang out much later tonight, and i think i will. i mean why not, i seem to stamp a judgemental label that i can trust people and i am wrong, ill go out and just hope for the best, worse case scenario i dont have fun.




ali and i were so close, such good friends, what happened? i grew up, where did she go?

so heres another night i can sit and rot.

so i had to call in to work today at 4 to see if i had to go in and i dont. what is better is that i am texting mr. scott hannah, and he is actually insinuating that he wants to see a movie with me, hot damn boys are dumb, they are fun all the same.
so last night pete rogers and i had a phenominal conversation, i really enjoyed it. the conversation was mostly about how ppl suck, but i mean he is in a lot of the same places emotionally as i am, and it is comforting to know that i have some to talk to about it that is feeling the same way i am. granted, i realize that everyone at some point or another will go through similar issues, but still it is nice to have some one to talk to that relates super well.
so my new task in life, seeing as how i have no plans, is manipulating the html for my blog to make it prettier.

today i learned i am an insomniac

so at least for entry one there are events enough going on for a mildly interesting post. it is an absurdly early 1.59am and i am up. why? because i cannot sleep, i lay still and try as i might i just cannot fall asleep. i am also awake because i just spent a good hour or so on the phone with chris because i havent talked to him in days. damn him to hell, i have to see him on saturday for his party. he says though that he does want to get together with me and make plans and such. fucking bullshit liar, he is good at theater, he also has a talent for applying concepts. screw him and fugz, i hope they are happy enough together ::gag::

so today patrick made me cry. i had been having an emotionally stable month amid the turmoil and such i am dealing with. an uncensored good natured remark sent me over the edge to tears. it wasnt really his fault though. i hope that scott does turn out to at least be mildly interested in me, at least as a friend. i keep being told he is not scum, very reassuring. so hopefully i have encouraging enough people to comment on here that i dont get discouraged and stop updating.... :\ we'll see.