sheep go to heaven

last night was not a total wash i got ice cream at coldstone's with brit and pat, and pat saw some attractive boy that he knows, i forget the name, kyle or tyler maybe? oh well, he has a girl friend, but he was pretty none the less.
i talked to chris last night and we did the formality of how was your day what did you do type of thing and then i was like i found all of my old journal entries from late december, and he was like oh what were they about. dumb dumb dumb, maybe he was just hoping that they werent about him and that mess. and i was like well rereading them made me realize how some people really are, and how it felt to go out on a limb and put complete trust in some one even when the situation looked bad for them, but to make the decision that you trust a person to the point where you are going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and then find out later that they were the wrong person to go out on a limb for and that they lied to you. [i was talking about chris um duh] so he was like i know the feeling and sympathizing and such and we were talking about stuff like that, i never mentioned his name, it wasnt worth it. when he upset me, every time he upset me, i do full heartedly believe that he was genuinely sorry and genuinely upset that he hurt me in some way. i believe that he wanted to understand why and that he feels as though that he did fully get it. but the problem with chris is that he doesnt realize what he does while he is doing it or until it is directly pointed out to him. my conclusion: the road to hell was paved with good intentions. he needs to be more conscious of his actions and most of all their consequences. he and i also talked about friends, or lack there of. and at his party there were hardly anyone there. i remember enough of them to literally count, two of the kids our age were his cousins so i am not counting them. there were literally 13 kids there. only 13 of his friends went. dre and charlie came late and left early and barely talked to him, dre talked to me for most of the time and when he wasnt talking to me he was talking to charlie. charlie talked to me too. i was shocked. he thinks i need to get new friends, i have known this for quite some time. honestly i can count on brit, katelyn[as much as she can get to me, i know she is there for me no matter what], meg would be supportive now, and that is pretty much it. i mean i dont talk to meg much right now because she is busy with dance and such, but i mean i am fortunate i do have at least one person that i feel as though i can count on. that is certainly better than some. what is funny, the way i describe some people fits chris too and he gets all bent out of shape and tells me how i dont deserve to be treated like that. he is a good advise giver, pretty much the deal now with chris is that i know how he is, i know that i cant change him, i can only change myself which i mean i am not going to do for him or really ne1 else that isnt so good to me. i can accept what our relationship is, im not sure what label id give it because if i mention him as a friend he tells me that i am more than just a friend to him which i mean i kinda feel the same way but idk what in the hell to call it. i also finally said that i missed our old conversations and we sort of talked abotu how things were i was like do you remember of our first phone convos i read about it and how we were ont he phone from 1230-530 and he was like yea i do and he was like i am sorry. he was like there hasnt been alot going on with me and i really dont have much to say nemore to anyone. with the months of talking to him, i lived, i learned, i cried, but i dont think i would take any of it back. i learned so much about myself and other people, and there was a time when i was happy, happier than i had been in a long time.
i was supposed to hang out with brit today, but she hasnt called, i hope everything is okay, i am going to give her a call soon.
nikki wants to hang out much later tonight, and i think i will. i mean why not, i seem to stamp a judgemental label that i can trust people and i am wrong, ill go out and just hope for the best, worse case scenario i dont have fun.




ali and i were so close, such good friends, what happened? i grew up, where did she go?