i do this to myself.

i wonder what kind of complaint i can make about people in my life. how is it fair that i say they dont treat me with respect, when mostly i have given up confronting them? mike's away message that was at the drive inn put me over the top. he was telling me how he hates it there and ashley always wanted to go and he never took her and now they went. idk i am so fed up with him. what the fuck is wrong with me? why cant i scream at him why cant i say"you treat me like fucking dirt and ive had it"? its so hard for me to see a liar in him. i cant believe that hed use me like that. how can you live with yourself? he fucking told me he loved me, how could he say that. clearly he doesnt. it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that i know i am trapped in this vicious cycle and i feel like i cant get out. it kills me to know that i dont need mike or boys like him but that something in me holds on to them and to the hope and naivety that they still are good people that wouldnt intentionally hurt me. i fucking sick of it, of him, of all this shit. i am so mad at myself, here i go complaining and being upset of how i am treated and i didnt even stick up for kristen elsner today. she has never done a mean thing to me in my life. she certainly isnt some one i talk to often and she is rather odd, but ppl were making fun of her so badly and why didnt i say why dont you back off? i hate myself for not doing it.
i need to learn to see people as they are, not the potential they have in them. it is good to see the potential in ppl, but i need to stop getting lost in it.
as miserable as i am right now, i am the only one that can fix it. people can try to help, give me a hug, tell me that they are there, but i still need to do it on my own. my parents cant fix it, my brother cant, brit cant, katelyn cant, ali cant, mike cant, no one can.
i wondered a bit ago at work, what would happen if mike and ashley broke up? would i be happier? idk. is mike the kind of guy, even single, that i should be in a relationship with? then theres druggie glenn. he drinks and does drugs, but as to my knowledge is a sweet kid, no one at hendricken or coventry has a bad thing to say about him. i need to get out.
love is overrated.