the friends i thought i had.

so, the friends that i thoguht i had think im judgmental, dont want me around or includied, and prefer to go behidn my back about things because ill "be happier not knowing". i swear to fuckign god, if one more person tries to tell me that, i am going to lose it. i always find out what i was explicitly left out of, and it is worse in the end. i dont believe that anyway, i think when ppl tell me that it is a cop-out, a made up excuse that they fall back on so that i dont get mad and so they dont look like absolute jerks. and why even ask them? because i tried to think positively, i gave them thebenefit of the doubt, thinking oh, well sinc i came inin the middle of he convo they figured that some one woud catch me up and then thy just forgot. but no. i was trying not to just assume, because i used to do that alot, so i was liek there is no use having any reaction until i hear what really happned. i thought, they are my friends, they wouldnt do this on purpose, i need to have more faith in people. so much for trying not to jump to conclusions... i hate high school. im so done with the ppl i go to school with. and i am all for trying to be honest and do a reality check, but being tactful and timing it right isnt so much to ask it is? so i just feel about 100times worse about myself.
its pretty sick that when mike, of all people, called and wanted to know what was wrong because i was crying, was able to be supportive and tried to help me see what their reasoning process might have been without making me feel like a complete ogre.
its been such a bad couple days, and i didnt need this too.

im fine

i dont need friends. i dont really have anyone. i seem to get close to people and then they pick up and leave. i am so tired of ppl getting really close, me completely trusting them and believing that they arent like those other ppl, and then what happens they up and go too. and then all of a sudden im not close with anyone any more. whatever.

ready to explode.

too much going on. aunt jeanette died, my grandma isnt handling it well, the doctor hasnt called back to say whether or not my mom has breast cancer, i dont have the capacity to deal with college too. i really just need my friends to be supportive right now. last weekend sucked. i wish if people werent willing to be there theyd have the spine to be upfront about it, at least i wouldnt waste my time.

as coordinated as the best of them

so i fell down my stairs, my ankle hurts so much. it isnt getting any better i need to see an orthopedic. :/

i havent talked to hardly anyone all weekend. i feel like my friendships are not mutual at all. :[

..what else is new?

i think im getting depressed again. :\

so im on the phone with mike and hes singing follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie. and he was like guess where im going tomorrow and i was like idk where and he was like lasalle and he was like for the football game so he can watch his football team quick our football team's ass. and he was like you should definitely attend, and i have to work and he was like call in sick and i was like no that is irresponsible. so yea...brother paul is going to look for my paper

bad day.

i am so stressed, i can barely deal with stuff. i was overwhelmed today driving home and i dont know why and i went to the doctor's and had to go pick up my book that finally came in, which i dont even want to go into, and i need to have a meeting with brother paul and its been a rotten day all around. i am going to go jump off a bridge. between school stress, homework stress, people stress, and my own problems stress, i cant take it im going to flip out.